Taking Vows

I'm reading a book right now that speaks about Buddhist vows, but also vows in general that we take in our lives, like marriage vows, for example.

And I realize, there are not many vows that I've taken in my life. To be kind, to be good, to rescue dogs -- yes, all of those things I have strived for. But when it comes to distinct, actual vows, there have been very few.

I think it's time to change that. I think it's time to take vows that will give me peace, while also doing well for myself and all sentient beings.

1. As of October 1, I will quit smoking. It's bad for my health, it's a horrible example and it served a purpose at one time, but it doesn't anymore.

2. I am a gluten free (required) vegetarian (by choice), but I've only once taken a pledge to be vegan for 30 days. I did make it and I've never felt better in my life because I'm also casein intolerant. But it wasn't just about me. It was about me knowing that I was doing what was best for my body while at the same time doing what's best for our animal friends.

3. I vow to be a more patient person. With Meghan, with life, with Sean and in general.

4. I vow to spend at LEAST five minutes per day on my meditation cushion, with the goal of working up to more time.

5. Most importantly, I vow to let the past go. I've been hanging on to it like a ball and chain around my ankle that I've been dragging around for years. It's time.

I will be posting this on my altar at home to remind myself of these vows and do my best to keep them close to me at all times with the goal of eventually attaining them. There will be good days, and there will be bad. But every day is a new chance to start all over.

Sitting with Myself

Why is it so hard to just be with myself?

I always feel like I need the TV, computer, phone or something to keep me distracted from my thoughts.

What I want is just to be able to meditate and sit with myself quietly without feeling like my anxiety will take over.

I wonder what other people do. Do they write, do they listen to music, what?

What do they do?

I need to know the secret because there has to be one. I want to train my mind, but it's hard when it's moving in 100 different directions.

If you have any advice at all, I'd appreciate it.

Until next time...

Jenn

New Job Title

My new job title is Stay at Home Mom. I'm still getting used to saying it, let alone getting used to the idea of it.

This is such a journey for me. To find out who I am, what it is I really want to do - and then go for it. It's scary and exhilarating and comforting all at the same time.

My anxiety is through the roof because of finances...living on one income is going to be different for certain. Not to mention, this is the first time in my life since being a child that I've been "taken care of" by someone else. It's definitely different and unsettling to me.

But, it's what is needed for me to get passed this anxiety and depression - and most importantly - learn how to live with it and not go over the deep end. It's getting a little better every day. Reading books with Buddhist themes give me comfort and peace.

I suggest reading Hand Wash Cold: Care Instructions for an Ordinary Life, by Karen Maezen Miller. This book has really helped me understand both anxiety and depression, not to mention finding joy in the ordinary - including being a stay at home mom.

One of my favorite quotes from her book is as follows:

The instructions are in your hands. And when you follow them, you arrive clear and fresh - free of heartache, failure, fear, anger, and judgment - into a ready-made life of deep peace and genuine satisfaction. Fulfillment derives not from lofty achievements, but from ordinary feats. It arrives not once in a lifetime, but every moment of the livelong day.

Words to live by.

It Is Time

I've taken such a long break from this blog.

Truth is, after Yoda died, I feel like a part of me died too.

I let myself get numb by every addiction possible.

I let myself stop feeling anything at all so that I wouldn't have to feel grief.

And what that led me to was one mental breakdown...per year.

But I have choices and I've decided to make the choice that I'm done with all that.

It's time to get back to Enjoying the Zen.


“Your purpose in life is to find your purpose and give your whole heart and soul to it.” 
-Buddha

Inspiration

It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell.

~Buddha

What I'm Thankful For

Stardom

Always a good reminder

Most of us express our distinctiveness in many ways throughout our lives. Although, as we proudly share our offbeat traits and preferences with the world, we take great pains to downplay those eccentricities we ourselves deem odd. Instead of living lives colored by these quirky impulses, we seek out socially acceptable outlets for our peculiarities.

We may not realize that we are editing ourselves in this way because our individual societal awareness is unintentionally attuned to the attitudes of the people we encounter each day.

Over time, we have learned to suppress some of the most fun aspects of individuality. To rediscover and embrace these buried traits, we need only ask ourselves what we would do if we knew for certain that no one would judge our choices.

Visualizing this day without judgment can help you better understand the idiosyncrasies that are an important part of who you are but seldom manifest themselves in your existence. Perhaps you secretly dream of replacing grown-up, conservative clothing in favor of a changing array of costumes. You may envision yourself painting your car electric-green, hugging the trees in a crowded local park, singing joyous songs as you skip through your community, or taking up an exciting hobby like fire spinning. Try not to be surprised, however, if your imagination takes you in unexpectedly simple directions. In your musings, you may see yourself doing things such as breaking out in dance or dying your hair a fun color.

Regardless of the nature of your suppressed peculiarities, ask yourself what is really stopping you from making them a part of your life, and then resolve to incorporate at least one into your everyday existence.

Making the most of years we are granted is a matter of being ourselves even though we know that we will inevitably encounter people who disapprove of our choices. When you shake your tail feathers like no one is watching, you will discover that there are many others who appreciate you because you are willing to let go of any inhibition. By doing this you help others know it is okay. No one else in the world is precisely like you and, each time you revel in this simple fact, you rededicate yourself to the celebration of individuality.

Enlightenment

Full circle

I came back.

I didn't know if I was every going to see the light again after Yoda died.

I wondered if I would feel the same way about him that I did when I wrote my last post.

I do.

I miss him. Terribly.

I take comfort in knowing that he lived a phenomenal life. And he was so, so loved by so, so many.

But then there's me.

Without him, I felt lost. I know he was a dog, I'm aware of that. But he was part of my identity for so many years that without him by my side, I felt like my strength had been robbed of me.

In a way, Yoda continues to come to me.

He doesn't know it (or maybe he does) but his death was yet another lesson that he taught me.

I found who I was in his death. I found Buddhism. I found meditation. I found yoga. I found my peace that I've been looking for my whole life.

Without his death, I probably never would have gone looking but continued to be miserable.

And wouldn't you know, in typical Yoda fashion - he's with me all the time. All the time.

Meghan says that he's in the clouds, in heaven.

I just let her believe that because that's what gives her comfort and who am I to take that away from her?

But I don't believe that.

His spirit is with me. All the time.

I find it funny that he has come back in the form of a butterfly. You can judge and that's okay because I know this to be true.

I'm not even especially fond of butterflies, to be honest.

But whenever I'm having a bad day, or struggling with something especially hard - there is a butterfly. No matter the weather or where I am.

He comes to me in physical form when I have finished my yoga and I'm relishing the state of savasana. He is always there. I find myself smiling in savasana. It's like coming home.

But then he's gone again.

I know we'll me again.

And until then...I'll meet you in savasana Yodabear.

And all is zen.

gone

there are times when pictures suffice to tell a story.

other times, words come easy and flow to paint a picture.

this time, neither seem to come easy or tell the story in the justice it should be given.

i've attempted to write this; several times in fact.

i've tried to put into words the emotions i feel and how empty and sinking it is.

but i fail every time.

so i will try to do good for him.

we lost yoda on tuesday.

right up there with having my girl two months early, this was the best and worst day of my life.

strange how you can feel both ways about it.

good because he isn't in pain and anymore and bad because i lost my best friend, my protector, and the only soul mate i've ever had.

thing is, i don't even believe in soul mates. i think people and animals are passing through life together and happen to cross paths at the same time. sometimes it's easy to know people, and sometimes it's really hard.

but this. this was something else. i have felt that the moment i looked into his eyes, he was mine.

he's always known what i've need and vice versa.

he's been through some of the most difficult times of my life and also some of the best.

he has handled being a rather ill pup on many occasion with nothing but grace and strength.

i wish i could be more like that.

when he died, i held his head against my chest so he could hear my heart beating as the last thing he would ever hear.

how appropriate it was because he was my heart and soul. it was something special.

i miss him.

as i type this on my computer, he is not at my feet, as he always was.

when i make dinner, i'm not tripping over him while he looks as pathetic as possible to get some scraps. i always gave him something quietly so the other dogs wouldn't know.

when i opened the closet to get a towel, there was his little harley davidson sweater. his comfort in the cold because he hated the cold, just like me.

i gave the dogs their monthly flea/heartworm pill and there was one left over.

when i feed the other dogs, i instinctively get a third scoop of food, only to realize there's no bowl to put it in anymore.

i wake in the middle of the night and reach for him, but he's not there.

he's gone. my sweet boy is gone.

i can't begin to describe how empty i feel. how lonely i feel. how i would give anything to kiss his sweet jowls just one more time.

the last words i said to him were, " goodbye my love", and he let out one last sigh. i think he was telling me goodbye too.

god, i miss him.

he is at peace now and for that i am happy.

but i'm so sad. so, so sad.

i will never, ever forget how much he gave to me and i can only hope that he felt the same.

my sweet boy, my bear, goodbye.

my friday girl

dreamy

fantasy

when i was little, and i got upset, i pretended i was a stuffed animal.

totally still, i stared ahead and in as far as i was concerned, it fixed everything.

why? because i was escaping. i wasn't who i was. no one could get to me. because i wasn't me.

so now i do the grown up version of this. i am upset. anxious. worried. shaken to the core.

so i am not a stuffed animal. i am not still. i am not just staring.

but i am in my world. my "world". it's my escape. my happy place.

so i would love to talk, but i can't. i'm on vacation in my head.

which right now, is just so much better than reality.

i'll be okay. i'll get used to it. but right now, i am a teddy bear.

another day

courage doesn't always roar. sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "i will try again tomorrow."

~Mary Anne Radmacher

the zen of things

as i've spent some time in the last year learning everything i can about buddhism and meditation, yoga and freeing the mind toward enlightenment, i find myself being different.

the same, but different.

i catch myself being quieter. i remind meg to speak gently instead of telling her that what she said was nasty or ugly.

so much so that now when i do get caught in a moment of raising my voice, she reminds me to be gentle. and not in an obnoxious way. i feel like we all need reminders to be gentle and quiet now and again.

i find myself saying that something was ugly or mean of me to even think, let alone say.

i'm judgmental.

well, we are all judgmental. it's the nature of who we are, as a result of this society we live in.

but i live in a place of being terminally annoyed, constantly wanting people to get out of my face.

and i'm reminded that others' opinions are a projection of their own reality, not mine. and vice versa.

so when i'm feeling particularly hostile toward a person who has done nothing to me (other than breathing in my space) - it's my issue, not theirs.

i catch myself thinking negatively and immediately recognizing it - and trying to turn it around.

i find that i'm more calm than i ever have been and i also do alot more observing, rather than talking.

i'm reading a compilation of short buddhist writings right now and there was a particular one that spoke to me - and it spoke of noticing.

he used the example of drinking tea. the simple, fundamental pleasure of drinking a cup of hot tea.

but instead, we are not drinking tea. we are emailing, answering calls, working on six different projects and trying to schedule the next thing.

we don't notice...we are just doing. there is a difference.

so this past week, i have made it a point to notice.

i go for a walk each day and close my mind to thoughts - the ones that tell me i have 10,483 waiting for me to take care of and i just notice.

i notice that the sky is brilliant and blue, i notice that the wind feels amazing when it blows through my hair, i notice that i love the feel of warmth on my skin from the sun. i notice other people, and what they are doing. i notice their emotions and their demeanor. i watch, i listen, i notice. every leaf i see, i notice it.

i don't take anything for granted.

and you know what? it's so freeing and calming. just peace and quiet. contentment. enjoyment.

truly enjoying the zen.

5 things: feb 25

today. today is friday. friday. friday. friday.

so happy it's friday.

5 things i'm grateful for today:

1. it's friday. (really?)

2. having a family weekend and spending time with my guy and my girl.

3. the oscars are on! yay for hours of judging people whilst drinking wine. love.

4. the sun and weather. seriously, i can't live without the sun and warmth. it makes me alive.

5. great sex. yep, i said it. deal.

when i close my eyes

...i am laying on a lounge chair at the beach club at disney, holding a drink, running my fingers through the sand and listening to my girl laugh as she and daddy swim in the water. it's sunny and warm and my body feels good.

...i am in the grand floridian spa, right after a heavenly massage with citrus oil and enjoying the quiet hum of the whirlpool as the water swirls around me and envelopes me in heat. every muscle in me is jelly.

...i am sitting in the grass (barefoot of course) on a sunny day, listening to my girl shout to me, "watch this mama!" while she goes down the slide for the 10 millionth time.

...i am in my garden with yodi by my side, watching my every move while sunning himself. storm and daisy are on patrol. the earth feels cold on my fingers and smells heavenly fresh. i'm dirty and sweaty and hear the classic rock in the background while my girl runs through the sprinkler.

...i am in a lush forest, beneath a tree. calm, peace, meditation. nature around me and stillness, total quiet.

5 things: today

today, i am thinking of 5 things that make me happy.

1. learning to be in the "right now". that's hard for me, but i'm learning.

2. meditation. always.

3. my spring garden i planted yesterday (minus the mysterious sting causing my fingers to feel pins and needles).

4. the weather. i could never live anywhere but here.

5. progress. i little bit goes a long way.

friends 4 ever