Enlightenment

Full circle

I came back.

I didn't know if I was every going to see the light again after Yoda died.

I wondered if I would feel the same way about him that I did when I wrote my last post.

I do.

I miss him. Terribly.

I take comfort in knowing that he lived a phenomenal life. And he was so, so loved by so, so many.

But then there's me.

Without him, I felt lost. I know he was a dog, I'm aware of that. But he was part of my identity for so many years that without him by my side, I felt like my strength had been robbed of me.

In a way, Yoda continues to come to me.

He doesn't know it (or maybe he does) but his death was yet another lesson that he taught me.

I found who I was in his death. I found Buddhism. I found meditation. I found yoga. I found my peace that I've been looking for my whole life.

Without his death, I probably never would have gone looking but continued to be miserable.

And wouldn't you know, in typical Yoda fashion - he's with me all the time. All the time.

Meghan says that he's in the clouds, in heaven.

I just let her believe that because that's what gives her comfort and who am I to take that away from her?

But I don't believe that.

His spirit is with me. All the time.

I find it funny that he has come back in the form of a butterfly. You can judge and that's okay because I know this to be true.

I'm not even especially fond of butterflies, to be honest.

But whenever I'm having a bad day, or struggling with something especially hard - there is a butterfly. No matter the weather or where I am.

He comes to me in physical form when I have finished my yoga and I'm relishing the state of savasana. He is always there. I find myself smiling in savasana. It's like coming home.

But then he's gone again.

I know we'll me again.

And until then...I'll meet you in savasana Yodabear.

And all is zen.

gone

there are times when pictures suffice to tell a story.

other times, words come easy and flow to paint a picture.

this time, neither seem to come easy or tell the story in the justice it should be given.

i've attempted to write this; several times in fact.

i've tried to put into words the emotions i feel and how empty and sinking it is.

but i fail every time.

so i will try to do good for him.

we lost yoda on tuesday.

right up there with having my girl two months early, this was the best and worst day of my life.

strange how you can feel both ways about it.

good because he isn't in pain and anymore and bad because i lost my best friend, my protector, and the only soul mate i've ever had.

thing is, i don't even believe in soul mates. i think people and animals are passing through life together and happen to cross paths at the same time. sometimes it's easy to know people, and sometimes it's really hard.

but this. this was something else. i have felt that the moment i looked into his eyes, he was mine.

he's always known what i've need and vice versa.

he's been through some of the most difficult times of my life and also some of the best.

he has handled being a rather ill pup on many occasion with nothing but grace and strength.

i wish i could be more like that.

when he died, i held his head against my chest so he could hear my heart beating as the last thing he would ever hear.

how appropriate it was because he was my heart and soul. it was something special.

i miss him.

as i type this on my computer, he is not at my feet, as he always was.

when i make dinner, i'm not tripping over him while he looks as pathetic as possible to get some scraps. i always gave him something quietly so the other dogs wouldn't know.

when i opened the closet to get a towel, there was his little harley davidson sweater. his comfort in the cold because he hated the cold, just like me.

i gave the dogs their monthly flea/heartworm pill and there was one left over.

when i feed the other dogs, i instinctively get a third scoop of food, only to realize there's no bowl to put it in anymore.

i wake in the middle of the night and reach for him, but he's not there.

he's gone. my sweet boy is gone.

i can't begin to describe how empty i feel. how lonely i feel. how i would give anything to kiss his sweet jowls just one more time.

the last words i said to him were, " goodbye my love", and he let out one last sigh. i think he was telling me goodbye too.

god, i miss him.

he is at peace now and for that i am happy.

but i'm so sad. so, so sad.

i will never, ever forget how much he gave to me and i can only hope that he felt the same.

my sweet boy, my bear, goodbye.

my friday girl

dreamy

fantasy

when i was little, and i got upset, i pretended i was a stuffed animal.

totally still, i stared ahead and in as far as i was concerned, it fixed everything.

why? because i was escaping. i wasn't who i was. no one could get to me. because i wasn't me.

so now i do the grown up version of this. i am upset. anxious. worried. shaken to the core.

so i am not a stuffed animal. i am not still. i am not just staring.

but i am in my world. my "world". it's my escape. my happy place.

so i would love to talk, but i can't. i'm on vacation in my head.

which right now, is just so much better than reality.

i'll be okay. i'll get used to it. but right now, i am a teddy bear.

another day

courage doesn't always roar. sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "i will try again tomorrow."

~Mary Anne Radmacher