gone

there are times when pictures suffice to tell a story.

other times, words come easy and flow to paint a picture.

this time, neither seem to come easy or tell the story in the justice it should be given.

i've attempted to write this; several times in fact.

i've tried to put into words the emotions i feel and how empty and sinking it is.

but i fail every time.

so i will try to do good for him.

we lost yoda on tuesday.

right up there with having my girl two months early, this was the best and worst day of my life.

strange how you can feel both ways about it.

good because he isn't in pain and anymore and bad because i lost my best friend, my protector, and the only soul mate i've ever had.

thing is, i don't even believe in soul mates. i think people and animals are passing through life together and happen to cross paths at the same time. sometimes it's easy to know people, and sometimes it's really hard.

but this. this was something else. i have felt that the moment i looked into his eyes, he was mine.

he's always known what i've need and vice versa.

he's been through some of the most difficult times of my life and also some of the best.

he has handled being a rather ill pup on many occasion with nothing but grace and strength.

i wish i could be more like that.

when he died, i held his head against my chest so he could hear my heart beating as the last thing he would ever hear.

how appropriate it was because he was my heart and soul. it was something special.

i miss him.

as i type this on my computer, he is not at my feet, as he always was.

when i make dinner, i'm not tripping over him while he looks as pathetic as possible to get some scraps. i always gave him something quietly so the other dogs wouldn't know.

when i opened the closet to get a towel, there was his little harley davidson sweater. his comfort in the cold because he hated the cold, just like me.

i gave the dogs their monthly flea/heartworm pill and there was one left over.

when i feed the other dogs, i instinctively get a third scoop of food, only to realize there's no bowl to put it in anymore.

i wake in the middle of the night and reach for him, but he's not there.

he's gone. my sweet boy is gone.

i can't begin to describe how empty i feel. how lonely i feel. how i would give anything to kiss his sweet jowls just one more time.

the last words i said to him were, " goodbye my love", and he let out one last sigh. i think he was telling me goodbye too.

god, i miss him.

he is at peace now and for that i am happy.

but i'm so sad. so, so sad.

i will never, ever forget how much he gave to me and i can only hope that he felt the same.

my sweet boy, my bear, goodbye.

my friday girl

dreamy

fantasy

when i was little, and i got upset, i pretended i was a stuffed animal.

totally still, i stared ahead and in as far as i was concerned, it fixed everything.

why? because i was escaping. i wasn't who i was. no one could get to me. because i wasn't me.

so now i do the grown up version of this. i am upset. anxious. worried. shaken to the core.

so i am not a stuffed animal. i am not still. i am not just staring.

but i am in my world. my "world". it's my escape. my happy place.

so i would love to talk, but i can't. i'm on vacation in my head.

which right now, is just so much better than reality.

i'll be okay. i'll get used to it. but right now, i am a teddy bear.

another day

courage doesn't always roar. sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "i will try again tomorrow."

~Mary Anne Radmacher

the zen of things

as i've spent some time in the last year learning everything i can about buddhism and meditation, yoga and freeing the mind toward enlightenment, i find myself being different.

the same, but different.

i catch myself being quieter. i remind meg to speak gently instead of telling her that what she said was nasty or ugly.

so much so that now when i do get caught in a moment of raising my voice, she reminds me to be gentle. and not in an obnoxious way. i feel like we all need reminders to be gentle and quiet now and again.

i find myself saying that something was ugly or mean of me to even think, let alone say.

i'm judgmental.

well, we are all judgmental. it's the nature of who we are, as a result of this society we live in.

but i live in a place of being terminally annoyed, constantly wanting people to get out of my face.

and i'm reminded that others' opinions are a projection of their own reality, not mine. and vice versa.

so when i'm feeling particularly hostile toward a person who has done nothing to me (other than breathing in my space) - it's my issue, not theirs.

i catch myself thinking negatively and immediately recognizing it - and trying to turn it around.

i find that i'm more calm than i ever have been and i also do alot more observing, rather than talking.

i'm reading a compilation of short buddhist writings right now and there was a particular one that spoke to me - and it spoke of noticing.

he used the example of drinking tea. the simple, fundamental pleasure of drinking a cup of hot tea.

but instead, we are not drinking tea. we are emailing, answering calls, working on six different projects and trying to schedule the next thing.

we don't notice...we are just doing. there is a difference.

so this past week, i have made it a point to notice.

i go for a walk each day and close my mind to thoughts - the ones that tell me i have 10,483 waiting for me to take care of and i just notice.

i notice that the sky is brilliant and blue, i notice that the wind feels amazing when it blows through my hair, i notice that i love the feel of warmth on my skin from the sun. i notice other people, and what they are doing. i notice their emotions and their demeanor. i watch, i listen, i notice. every leaf i see, i notice it.

i don't take anything for granted.

and you know what? it's so freeing and calming. just peace and quiet. contentment. enjoyment.

truly enjoying the zen.

5 things: feb 25

today. today is friday. friday. friday. friday.

so happy it's friday.

5 things i'm grateful for today:

1. it's friday. (really?)

2. having a family weekend and spending time with my guy and my girl.

3. the oscars are on! yay for hours of judging people whilst drinking wine. love.

4. the sun and weather. seriously, i can't live without the sun and warmth. it makes me alive.

5. great sex. yep, i said it. deal.