what zen?

sometimes the zen doesn't come.

and it's snot and boogers.

crying and fits.

work and chaos.

husband away.

no help to be found.

back in pain.

and here i am.

trying to find the zen.

breathe in, breathe out. deep breaths.

but that feeling is still there.

in the pit of my stomach.

because i think.

if i can't do this. if i can.

what if i can't?

why is it so hard?

why is there no backup plan?

and why do i care?

i sit back and watch other people's lives.

reality, they call it.

it's not.

reality is sometimes not fun.

no zen to be found.

but this is real life. and it's not always sunshine and roses.

and they don't always like you.

and you aren't always balanced.

but it's real.

i just want the zen to come.