it's coming

tomorrow is my 30th birthday.

a few observations, if i may:

1. i've been saying that i'm 30 for a long time now. kind of takes the fun out of turning 30.

2. i still get carded and accused of my license being a fake because there's no way i can be 30 or have an almost 4 year old child. which is funny because when i was 16 people thought i was 30. interesting.

3. i disagree with the statement that men get distinguished and women just get old. i just keep getting better the older i get. there goes that theory.

4. i wouldn't go back in time if you paid me. no thanks.

5. i still feel like i'm 15. and act like it sometimes. i like to flash people. whatevs.

6. i have accomplished a lot in 30 short years. it can only get better...

it's complicated

i'm pretty sure yoda had another stroke yesterday.

i came home to find poop on the floor and yoda didn't come to greet me.

i didn't want to go look for him because i thought for sure he would be gone.

he wasn't, but i found him collapsed on my bathroom floor, not able to use his hind legs and shaking violently.

i laid on the cold tile floor next to him and cried while pleading in my head to god to take him peacefully.

i know that sean will balk at this, and that's okay. i'm entitled to feel the way i do.

i don't want to see my boy suffer. and more than that, i don't like that he pleads with me with his eyes. i can feel his soul.

he and i have been soulmates from the moment we met. this is not him. this is not the way that he wants to be either.

how complicated these emotions are...that instead of praying to make him healthy, i'm praying for god to take him quietly? this is different for me.

but i know my boy and i know he doesn't want to live like this. i know he's ready. and i told him not to hang on for me. i'll be okay. i will.

his little paw print will forever be in my heart.

i didn't rescue him. he rescued me.

my girl

i miss my girl.

sometimes it's hard to be away from her. not all the time, mind you...

but i miss her today and i missed her so much yesterday.

i didn't know it would be possible to love her even more the older she gets - but i do.

i love her little minnie mouse voice, i love her independence and her spunk. i love that she came in my room last night without me knowing and slept with yoda in his bed.

i love her tiny little hands and how they fit perfectly in mine. i love that she adores all things scary and spooky.

i love that she is her own person. i love that she knows what she wants.

i love that she wants to be an animal doctor when she grows up.

i love that she adores her daddy and thinks he is a super hero and can do anything.

i love how she loves all her "uncles" and god help the man that has to meet them all someday.

i love that she mooned us all at dinner on sunday (even though i scolded her for it).

i love that she is so smart and very musical already.

i love that she believes in magic and talks to fairies that we can't see.

i love her wild imagination. yesterday i was scooby doo and and she was daphne. we solved mysteries, of course.

most of all, i just love that she is meghan. that's exactly who she was meant to be. she is going to something great someday, i can feel it.

peace is...

driving into work early this morning while few people were on the road and the sky was on fire in pinks, reds, yellows and oranges.

the sun was trying to burst over the buildings and i appreciated every second of it's beauty as i sipped my coffee and listened to etta james.

this was a good start to today.

savannah: part one

savannah: part two