i was born to do this

random wierdness

she is a ballerina

she has obviously never taken a dance lesson in her life, and yet somehow, she just knows what to do. is it inborn? do all girls just know how to be ballerinas?

she put on a show for us all and wouldn't let us talk...it was very serious.

she had a straight face the whole time and wanted to be taken very seriously as a ballerina in her real dance garb, thanks to aunt april.

and you know what? she actually has some moves. maybe dance is in her future. i guess the best is yet to come.

things i hate today: bah humbug edition

1. being up coughing all night.

2. waking up aching and feeling like overall crap.

3. craving chocolate. stupid pms.

4. not being able to call in sick because half my staff is out sick and my boss. good times.

5. not being in bed drinking hot cinnamon tea and watching america's next top model reruns while under a pile of down comforters sorrounded by warm dogs.

whatevs...bah humbug.

random facts about me: 2nd edition

...i hate watching movies. too long usually and i have a hard time sitting still that long.

...if i do watch a movie, it's going to be a comedy or musical. nothing serious.

...i'm in love with the new furminator we bought. i will brush anyone's dog i can get my hands on.

...my favorite scent is cucumber melon or mint. so clean.

...my favorite tea is cinnamon. the more spicy, the better.

...i have so many dreams at night that i wake up exhausted. i remember all of them.

...i don't mind mondays. in fact, it's a nice break from the craziness of the weekend.

she loves to cook

she serenaded me while we waited for the cookies to be done. the cracker box was her drum and the spatulas were her drumsticks. she rocked it.

oh, the weather outside is frightful

but the fire (heat?!) is so delightful.

and since we've no place to go (except work and swim class)...

let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.

but it's florida. so instead of snowing, it's just going to kill my tomatoes, peppers, green beans and eggplant.

the cold can suck it.

and because it was so cold last night, we turned on the heat and snuggled under the covers.

i was awarded two hours of "me time" from the boudreaus, who took my girl and let her play with marley.

they even bathed her, put her in jammies and brought her back to my house.

as if that wasn't enough, bryan gave me a stack of playboy mags (which i absolutely love to read - for the ARTICLES people! :P) and a bottle of wine.

um...best dad EVER. playboys, wine and time to myself. score.

but alas, instead i watched tv, read a little of my book, drank the wine and worked out for 30 minutes. it felt good though. i feel refreshed.

the second meg got home, i felt so bad for the boudreaus - evidently she only meowed the whole time she was there. annoying. trust me, this i know.

come out, come out, wherever you are

so i know people read this blog.

i see the stats and referring websites and i know that there are multiple page views a day.

so where are you?

comment! i like hearing from people.

ah, nothing like reverse stalking...

things i love: december 7 edition

1. parmesan popcorn made old school style on the stove with olive oil. heaven.

2. watching old school rudolph christmas specials with my girl while eating said popcorn.

3. i told my girl that i used to watch this rudolph special when i was a little girl. a certain four year old then said that must have been 99 and 13 (her words) years ago.

4. vacation and time off. it's coming. i can feel it.

5. sitting down to dinner with my girl last night and her chattering away about her day.

it's a black fly in your chardonney

it's a death row pardon, two minutes too late. and isn't it ironic - don't you think?

two things i don't like:

1. stupid alanis morisette songs that make no sense, given her lack of understanding what irony means.

2. a black fly in my chardonney, er...red wine.

and to further make this disgusting, this fly has been dead since last week at meghan's birthday party in that bottle of wine. and it's my second glass tonight. and the fly hit my lip.

i have to go scrub my lips off now...

little mermaid

12.1.10

1. i am grateful that today is the first day of December. That means only 19 days until vacation. Woot!

2. i am grateful for the weather finally turning cooler. makes me want to cuddle on the couch watching re-runs of america's next top model while drinking hot cinnamon tea.

3. i am grateful for my girl, who never fails at making me laugh.

4. i am grateful for sparks of creativity. i've got the itch.

5. i am grateful for evolution of yourself even if it's scary sometimes.

6. i am grateful for 30 minutes to myself to do my workouts. feel the burn.

7. i am grateful for sleep. just because.

8. i am grateful for christmas and family traditions that we are establishing with our own little family. milk and cookies and carrots indeed.

9. i am grateful for disney. because it's disney, hello!

10. i am grateful for good friends. you always need to have good friends.

proof that she is my child:

turkey eve

is there such a thing as thanksgiving eve? if there is, that's today.

and i'm at work though there are only a few people here today - which i actually prefer.

poor meghan didn't want me to leave this morning because the only people in her class were boys. and boys are gross. i know this to be true.

she was clinging to me for dear life and saying, "i just want you!"

she had to list all of the people that she loves to stall for time. "i love mama. i love daddy. i love my uncle eric. i love my dogs. you know my dogs, mama? it's yoda, daisy and stormie. i love my friends. guess how many mama...this many! remi, brooke, marley, maddox...and i love my pets..."

the list is long. and so is her stalling.

but i had to go at last because i was dropping off a big food donation from work that i organized to the food bank i chose.

let me tell you, there is no better way to start your day than by giving to others who need it. they were so grateful. and so am i.

i am grateful that i don't need to use a food bank and we can by whatever we want to eat. we can go out to eat. we can nourish our bodies with the best organic food out there. and it's not cheap.

so today, i am grateful for my morning...no matter how long it seems!

time-out

this week is already a blur.

lots of work because of the short week, getting everything ready for thanksgiving and meghan's birthday party, going to disney to celebrate her birthday. it's a bit of a whirlwind.

add to that, i've been sick and wake up every morning with my head feeling like it's going to explode. my face hurts so bad that my teeth hurt. gotta love sinus infections.

add to that, meghan is having trouble at night. she has suddenly become acutely aware that bad things happen. last night, as her little lip was quivering and her voice was shaking, she told me that she didn't want anything bad to happen because she will never see me again.

just re-hashing it now makes me want to cry all over again.

and it's partly because it's true. bad things do happen to good people. and sometimes you don't get to see people that you love ever again.

but then the morning comes, and the clouds look like a fluffy, cozy blanket in the sky with the warm sun shining through, and all is right. sometimes you just need the light. and we needed the light today.

i have been dreading her losing innocence and it has come. every day, i notice that she's just a little more grown up, a little more aware of reality. it's just more fun to live in fantasy, which is why i love disney so much.

so this week, when we are all running around like crazy, trying to make everything perfect for the various parties and thanksgiving meals and visiting people we love, i want to take a moment to stop. to breathe it all in, slowly and remember that it's just about being thankful.

last night as i was trying to comfort meghan while she was scared, she said to me that santa brought me her for christmas because i wanted someone just like her. and my god, was she right. it is fitting that she is a thanksgiving baby, because for her, i will always be eternally grateful and thankful.

and it is good.

why i love florida in november:

11.19.10

1. i am grateful for nice weather.

2. i am grateful for yoda keeping me warm while i'm shivering under the covers at night.

3. i am grateful for birthdays. my girl has one more year until she reaches the 5 year old "no longer classified as a preemie" age. i will cry in gratitude.

4. i am grateful for my girl singing christmas songs on the way to school this morning. oh, how she loves christmas. and so do i.

5. i am grateful for weekends. even though i have a lot to do, it's still not being at work.

absence makes the heart grow fonder

i have found my voice again. and it is good.

i need this today

1. i am grateful for nice weather.

2. i am grateful for my gorgeous girl and the time we spend together.

3. i am grateful for a devoted husband whom i drive crazy.

4. i am grateful for meditation and the peace it brings me.

5. i am grateful for starting over. it's never too late........

little known facts

random things people may not know about me...



...i prefer sunrise to sunset.



...i have more than one blog.



...i never planned on having children, ever.



...i eat pop-tarts in stages (crust first, peel off the back, lick out center, eat back, then yummy frosted top)



...i have a ridiculous constant craving for roasted okra dipped in ketchup.



...my favorite candy is peanut butter m&m's but i will only eat them frozen.



...i do not write the letter "r" lowercase - ever. in fact, i was docked points on a handwritten essay for it in college. and i refused to re-do it.



...i hate talking on the phone.



...i think i was a chef or baker in another life.



...i tried to change my major in college from psychology to physical therapy but couldn't because of the schedule.



...my favorite ride ever is sheikra at busch gardens.



...i think that the way i feel when i ride sheikra is what heaven must be like. at least i hope so.



...i am terrified of scary movies because i find real life too scary as it is.



...every time an aspca commercial comes in, i lunge for the remote to change the channel or i will cry.



...which is odd, because i usually only cry when i'm really mad.

you

my girl.


these pictures are the definition of you.

you are: beautiful, unbelievably strong, happy, stubborn, determined, strong-willed, smart, sarcastic, silly, hilarious, a fighter, a survivor, an old soul, tempermental, opinionated, witty, outgoing, and so many other things that all the adjectives in the world couldn't describe you.

you are without a doubt, my meghan.

it's coming

tomorrow is my 30th birthday.

a few observations, if i may:

1. i've been saying that i'm 30 for a long time now. kind of takes the fun out of turning 30.

2. i still get carded and accused of my license being a fake because there's no way i can be 30 or have an almost 4 year old child. which is funny because when i was 16 people thought i was 30. interesting.

3. i disagree with the statement that men get distinguished and women just get old. i just keep getting better the older i get. there goes that theory.

4. i wouldn't go back in time if you paid me. no thanks.

5. i still feel like i'm 15. and act like it sometimes. i like to flash people. whatevs.

6. i have accomplished a lot in 30 short years. it can only get better...

it's complicated

i'm pretty sure yoda had another stroke yesterday.

i came home to find poop on the floor and yoda didn't come to greet me.

i didn't want to go look for him because i thought for sure he would be gone.

he wasn't, but i found him collapsed on my bathroom floor, not able to use his hind legs and shaking violently.

i laid on the cold tile floor next to him and cried while pleading in my head to god to take him peacefully.

i know that sean will balk at this, and that's okay. i'm entitled to feel the way i do.

i don't want to see my boy suffer. and more than that, i don't like that he pleads with me with his eyes. i can feel his soul.

he and i have been soulmates from the moment we met. this is not him. this is not the way that he wants to be either.

how complicated these emotions are...that instead of praying to make him healthy, i'm praying for god to take him quietly? this is different for me.

but i know my boy and i know he doesn't want to live like this. i know he's ready. and i told him not to hang on for me. i'll be okay. i will.

his little paw print will forever be in my heart.

i didn't rescue him. he rescued me.

my girl

i miss my girl.

sometimes it's hard to be away from her. not all the time, mind you...

but i miss her today and i missed her so much yesterday.

i didn't know it would be possible to love her even more the older she gets - but i do.

i love her little minnie mouse voice, i love her independence and her spunk. i love that she came in my room last night without me knowing and slept with yoda in his bed.

i love her tiny little hands and how they fit perfectly in mine. i love that she adores all things scary and spooky.

i love that she is her own person. i love that she knows what she wants.

i love that she wants to be an animal doctor when she grows up.

i love that she adores her daddy and thinks he is a super hero and can do anything.

i love how she loves all her "uncles" and god help the man that has to meet them all someday.

i love that she mooned us all at dinner on sunday (even though i scolded her for it).

i love that she is so smart and very musical already.

i love that she believes in magic and talks to fairies that we can't see.

i love her wild imagination. yesterday i was scooby doo and and she was daphne. we solved mysteries, of course.

most of all, i just love that she is meghan. that's exactly who she was meant to be. she is going to something great someday, i can feel it.

peace is...

driving into work early this morning while few people were on the road and the sky was on fire in pinks, reds, yellows and oranges.

the sun was trying to burst over the buildings and i appreciated every second of it's beauty as i sipped my coffee and listened to etta james.

this was a good start to today.

savannah: part one