Full circle

I came back.

I didn't know if I was every going to see the light again after Yoda died.

I wondered if I would feel the same way about him that I did when I wrote my last post.

I do.

I miss him. Terribly.

I take comfort in knowing that he lived a phenomenal life. And he was so, so loved by so, so many.

But then there's me.

Without him, I felt lost. I know he was a dog, I'm aware of that. But he was part of my identity for so many years that without him by my side, I felt like my strength had been robbed of me.

In a way, Yoda continues to come to me.

He doesn't know it (or maybe he does) but his death was yet another lesson that he taught me.

I found who I was in his death. I found Buddhism. I found meditation. I found yoga. I found my peace that I've been looking for my whole life.

Without his death, I probably never would have gone looking but continued to be miserable.

And wouldn't you know, in typical Yoda fashion - he's with me all the time. All the time.

Meghan says that he's in the clouds, in heaven.

I just let her believe that because that's what gives her comfort and who am I to take that away from her?

But I don't believe that.

His spirit is with me. All the time.

I find it funny that he has come back in the form of a butterfly. You can judge and that's okay because I know this to be true.

I'm not even especially fond of butterflies, to be honest.

But whenever I'm having a bad day, or struggling with something especially hard - there is a butterfly. No matter the weather or where I am.

He comes to me in physical form when I have finished my yoga and I'm relishing the state of savasana. He is always there. I find myself smiling in savasana. It's like coming home.

But then he's gone again.

I know we'll me again.

And until then...I'll meet you in savasana Yodabear.

And all is zen.