6.23.10

1. i am grateful for wedding showers with yummy, long lunches.

2. i am grateful for getting things done. i can cross two more things off my list.

3. i am grateful for liking my outfit today. i actually look put together.

4. i am grateful for my dermatologist appointment today. we'll see how grateful i am afterwards.

5. i am grateful for feeling that i'm coming into my own. i keep saying that i want to be the person i was before i hurt my back. but that's not me anymore. i'm not that person. and i'm trying to be okay with that. my back doesn't define me. i have my good days, and i have my bad days. but the bad days are not an indication of me or my life. and hopefully now that i've had an mri and the doctor can know for absolute certain what's going on, maybe they can help me and it can be managed. i have hope, and that's more than i've had in a long time. this past year since i first hurt my back has been a big learning process for me. it's forced me to look inside and find strength when i thought i couldn't be strong. it's taught me to lean on my husband when i need to. it's taught me that being a good mom isn't defined by how much you can lift or carry around your child. i can give hugs sitting down. i can lay with my girl and give her kisses. i can watch her learn and take everything in, and for that i'm grateful.

i know this is sort of rambling and that's okay. stream of conciousness for sure, but at some point, it's all bound to come out.

i don't want to be defined by the pain i feel. it's not who i am.

i am not a victim.

i am a mother. a wife.

a student of life.

a student of yoga.

an athlete who refuses to lay down and die.

an intelligent woman with a lot of strength.

a creative, old soul.

a clean eater, who refuses to be poisoned by processed food.

a hippie who loves to garden and compost and recycle.

a free spirit who would live naked if you let her.

a good cook who loves to feed her boys.

a food network and reality cake show junkie.

a person who is kind but can kill you with her words in a split second if betrayed.

a giver who wants to save the world but doesn't have enough money to do so.

this is who i am.

not a person in pain. the pain is not me, it's a result of an injury. i can manage it, i can live with it if i have to. but it will not be who i am.